Posted on by Renee Espriu

***THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING***

I wanted to post something so very touching to me that it surpasses all the cards not received in the mail, all the frustration that life gives and all the doubt that I tend to hold onto, with the nagging question…”am I loved, am I cared about”. For, although, I have been told those things hundreds of times over the years I am like so many people in this world. I need reminded that it is true and that there are those who hold me in regard. My daughter sent this text to me when I was having one of those days filled with questions. It has been a long recovery from open heart surgery and for one who did not have to frequent doctor’s offices, it has been difficult at times. I recently spent three days in the hospital due to an upper GI bleed. The new heart valve that has given me life requires blood thinners in order for it to keep doing so so it is a tenuous balance. She has reminded me once again that I have made a difference no matter the questions I have.

© Misha Cruz

Your art and words are you. And you in return me. You gave me the wonderful gift of artful words. Without you I would only have my father’s numbers and angles. You have made me complete. And as you love all the positive nature that is within me…you must know that it is within you. Because I am also you.

Sweet dreams mama.

Image Taken From Morgue & Digitized by Myself

rose red

Mother’s day is coming soon but with such beautifully painted words as these I don’t have to wait for I have the knowing that I am in my daughter’s heart every day. I hope all mothers know, like I do, that it is not just once a year that you are loved and cared for. I gave my daughter life but she continues to nourish my life every day.

11 Replies to “***THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING***”

  1. Renee, I am sorry for your ongoing health issues. It must be doubly challenging when such questions cloud your mind and burden your heart. We are all so different. The thoughts that plague you almost never run through my mind. I have given life to my daughters, set them free as adults. The time it took to do both these things was often agonizing. But I knew at some point I had to reclaim my Self, if I even knew what that was to begin with.

    Now when we connect, knowing how busy all our lives can get, I feel blessed. Too much time has been spent in self reflection and recrimination. I was a good mom, despite the fact that I wish I knew then what I know now. Isn’t that always the way.

    Since my girls finished college and were ready to take on the world, much time has been spent on reclaiming my own self worth (which I never had much of, and motherhood propped me up for quite a long time). Who was I, really, except in relation to others? And or course we are all in relation to others, as we are all human.

    And yet.

    And so, when the bottom drops out as it has for me many times in life, what am I left with? I began to delve into what mattered most through writing and a lot of contemplation. I am content, and pretty self contained.

    My hope is that you are able to heal, to nourish yourself, and to one day look back on this time as a bad dream from which you awakened to discover life’s fullness. Aloha, dear.

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    1. Thank you for your heartfelt comment. “Self”…such an illusive and abstract concept for most of us. I have cared for others beginning at age 10 when my mother was in a head-on auto collision and after raising five children, I nearly felt there when I returned to college for a degree but once again family of origin beckoned. I am not complaining but the turns in my path time and time again took me back to being in a place others would or could not be. I let all my children go ‘free’ as you say (three sons and two daughters) and I…on the one hand am happy I did so…and on the other somewhat sad that (apart from my daughters) rarely hear from them. It has been difficult to set myself ‘free’ and to find my “Self” and I feel certain that when my health is better the time will come. Nearly 64yrs of age and feeling closer all the time. Do take care and thank you so much again for your comment.

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      1. Sure, Renee, and thanks. Kids seem so busy these days, and it’s hard not hearing from them for many reasons. I don’t deny that part, but I know I can’t necessarily change it, nor guilt them into it the way my family did (and does). Blessings, dear one.

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  2. This brought me tears this morning, Renee, because I’ve wrestled with those questions myself (maybe most mothers do). I realize of course that it’s my own lack of self worth that makes me wonder if I’m loved or if I’ve made a difference to anyone.

    I’m sorry to hear of another health crisis as well and do envision you in perfect health as you move closer to setting yourself free and finding peace and wellbeing.

    Love,
    Gayle xoxo

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  4. Renee.. I am so sorry you have had yet more health issues.. I hope once you have got the blood thinners sorted all will be better for you.. I have several friends on these after heart surgery.
    I loved what your daughter wrote, what better Mother’s Day gift.. At any time of the year.. I know often how we all fall down into that pit of despair as we feel at such a love ebb when unwell..
    I hope the cloud is now lifting from you Renee and that you are beginning to feel much stronger and brighter in health..
    You have gone through such a lot in a short space of time what with moving and then your health upset..
    Know I send you nothing but Love.. And I hope you have a marvellous Mothers Day.. Ours was back in March..
    Love and Blessings always.
    Sue

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