Penny For Your Thoughts 02/15/2012

Once again she was walking the lonely streets of the city. There were people all around her going somewhere, anywhere but in the confusion of it all she felt as though they didn’t even know she was there. It was like that in her life now. She could walk through a crowd and they would part like the Red Sea but if felt as though they walked right through her, oblivious that she was a person just like them. The only difference is she felt like she was adrift on this sea and that she just didn’t quite fit in anywhere, not anymore.

She use to feel as though she was like anyone else. She woke up in the morning, got dressed, did the her usual routine, ate something and was on her way. She felt like those people she passed now, that she was going somewhere, anywhere and she would get there eventually but life was different now. She couldn’t quite put her finger on it, where it all changed and when it all seemed to go so terribly wrong. She thought about it a lot these days here in the city and walking seemed to help clear her head and help her muddled thoughts. She would figure it out. Today she would get some sense of direction and soon she would again have a feeling as before that she would belong and have somewhere to go, somewhere to be.

Today was cold and the wind brisk and she pulled her coat more tightly about her. As she walked she saw young people walking along, as thought they hadn’t a care in the world, laughing about some private joke. They seemed to be enjoying life and didn’t see the misery around them. She saw it, though, all the time. She was caught up in it now without really meaning to be. There was the same woman she saw so much now when she walked, pushing her grocery cart and carrying all her worldly possessions in it save for the layers of clothes she wore topped off with a coat, a scarf and even a hat on top of that. How could she manage to walk! It made no sense at all but it didn’t have to because she understood this woman and the thought made her shiver. It was like seeing a reflection of herself but that couldn’t be…could it? No, certainly, she was nothing like her. She was much younger and still had a sense of herself…even if she didn’t have direction of where to go.

She passed a street vendor selling hot dogs and even though her stomach felt hungry and they smelled really good she kept on walking. She needed to think, to figure this out, and stopping to eat would only sidetrack her thoughts. But she was cold and certainly getting something to drink would not be amiss. A coffee shop lay ahead and people were walking in and out again with hot cups of coffee. She walked in and stood in line and watched those sitting at tables with their lap tops, their newspapers. They all looked like they had good lives, at least it appeared that they did. She wondered if they noticed her in line, the one that seemed lost, the one that looked as though she had no life. What if they told her to leave, that she didn’t belong, but they didn’t. No, as usual, they seemed to look right through her as though she was completely transparent. Was she the only one that realized she was in line, waiting, with all the rest?!? Soon she reached the counter, was asked what she would have and as soon as she paid she waited in another line until it magically appeared on the counter. She was so consumed with her thoughts that she hadn’t even noticed if anyone had put it there. She took her coffee and left to walk some more.

Such a contrast in this place, of high rises that held business offices and upscale condominiums. This in difference to the squalor of the streets or at least how she saw them. Men standing on corners with their hands out or sitting in the shadows on the steps leading up to what remained of an old hotel, now partitioned out into rooms you could pay for less to have a bed to lie on, with a bathroom down the hall you shared with others. All of these people like the woman with the grocery cart has lifeless eyes, faces lined with misery and hearts that only beat to keep them warm. There were even children, or not much older than, that walked by her, hands in pockets and heads down with an anger you could see, a hurt that was palpable…so thick you could cut it with a knife. These people seemed to see her when others did not but they ignored her just the same. Even when the young man bumped into her did she realize he really did see her, really did know she was there. But there was no apology forthcoming and in fact, she didn’t expect one. After all, it really did feel good that someone had noticed, someone had actually seen her as she walked.

She really didn’t like the city but it seemed where she was in her life right now. The sidewalks were dirty, the trash seemed to be everywhere and the buildings of brick, stone, and mortar held no warmth. The traffic was stop and go and if you weren’t careful when you crossed the street you knew it could be your last day walking. Especially the buses and taxis on their tight schedules. They barely stopped to let on passengers so to slow for someone walking…well, she would rather walk and not hassle with any of that. Sometimes she felt the exhaust would choke her so it was nice for a change that the wind was blowing, nice to be able to breathe.

She had finished her coffee and without even realizing it she was headed back in the direction she had started from, back to when she knew this would be the day she would figure things out. She would fix things and make them right. She had only to get her thoughts organized and it would all fall into place. It had felt good to walk and she felt better. Things weren’t always going to be this way because things would change and tomorrow would hold promise. As she rounded the corner she saw the familiar wall with graffiti. It wasn’t art that would win any award and she didn’t even know who put it there but she liked it. It made the city less ugly, less daunting and perhaps after all that is why she chose to be there.

As she walked closer she saw the lean-tos built with whatever could be found with sleeping bags and blankets beneath. People were huddled close before an old metal garbage can that someone had built a fire in. They didn’t seem to mind the smoke that hung low in the evening air and once in a while you could hear someone say something even though the wind carried away the words. As she drew nearer a woman spoke to her, or at least she thought she was speaking to her, so deep in thought she had become. “A penny for your thoughts, my dear.” She blinked and realized it was just the old gal that had her lean-to next to hers’. She had said she would keep an eye on things for her so she could walk and think things through and now here she was, back home next to the wall with graffiti. Again, the woman said, “A penny for your thoughts, my dear.” But she really didn’t hear her but just gazed right through to the wall behind with someone’s efforts to express who they were, the wall that said she was were she was now despite everything. Tomorrow she would go walking again. Tomorrow she would think things through and it would all become clear. She would have a place, somewhere to belong, and like all those people, somewhere to go because anyplace would be better than here.

© February 2012 Renee Espriu

I was nearly homeless myself some years ago now and have now become much more compassionate with the plight of homeless people in our cities everywhere. A visit to the food bank and taking the offering of food another has taken from their own pantry to give you gives one new perspective and much more of an appreciation of life. Hope you have
enjoyed reading as much as I have enjoyed writing this newest short story.